wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
