I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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