She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
