yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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