I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
