Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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