this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
