The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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