i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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