Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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