i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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