Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
