this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
