I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
