I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
