I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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