I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
