I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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