and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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