Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
