is your mom at the bar?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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