my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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