im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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