It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
