Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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