I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
