Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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