I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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