u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
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she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
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My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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