Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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