Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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