As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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