Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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