So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
