That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
