Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
