Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
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HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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