You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
