My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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