my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I will pee on everything he values.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
