Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I need a burrito and a hug.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
