I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
