My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Drunk is a universal language darling
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
