I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
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he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
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My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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