I'm so fucking centered right now
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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