So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
