I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
