I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
