Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
