Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
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Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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