So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Four minutes until I can fart!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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