The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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