It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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