Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
