Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
