I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
