from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
