Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
